- Teacher: Read this sentence. “In the New Year, we watch out for our first dream of the year.”
- Student: “In the New Year… we watch out… for our… first… breasts… of the year.”
- Teacher: Um, no… but now that you mention it, with censorship laws how they are, *ten minute rant about pornography in foreign countries*
Me, Myself, and I
/ Ask me things!
[Adj.] Excessive; extravagant; inordinate
- Mom: The only problem I have with it is that the girl is submissive
- Mom: She should be making HIM her bitch
- Mom: What kind of message is this sending to girls
- Me: ...
- Mom: ...
- Me: ...
- Mom: ...
- Me: ...
- Mom: ... Like, there was this part with anal beads-
- Me: Please don't
- Meet the blonde life model decoy of Jeremy Renner, who apparently lives in my neighborhood and likes to run shirtless
- Hold a two-minute prayer service for a dead bird I found in the middle of the sidewalk
- Awkwardly watch the man walking behind me because I’ve never seen him around the neighborhood and I am ridiculously paranoid
- Save a little girl who is roller-blading from faceplanting
- Hold another two-minute prayer service for another dead bird I found next to a tree
- Start panicking because the guy behind me is still following me after like two more blocks
- Someone dumped a box of dog treats in the middle of the sidewalk HOW DOES THAT EVEN HAPPEN the dogs were happy though
- Hear the ice cream man and wish for ice cream because it is fecking hot outside
- Alleged stalker man also hears the ice cream man and also wishes for ice cream; crosses the street and goes the other way in search of cold refreshment
- Get back to the neighbors’ house to find my neighbor mysteriously absent, considering I was supposed to get paid today
- I want my money dammit
- Oh and all this happened in like a one hour span
- I live in a weird neighborhood
At New York ‘s Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to
be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in
possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a
At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez said he
believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. The
FBI is charging him with carrying weapons of math instruction. “Al-gebra is
a fearsome cult,” Gonzalez said. “They desire average solutions
by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of
absolute value. They use secret code names like ‘x’ and ‘y’ and refer to
themselves as ‘unknowns’, but we have determined they belong to a common
denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.
As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, ‘there are 3 sides to
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, “If God had
wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us
more fingers and toes”.
HOLY SHIT, it was so freaking scary. I’m still shaking. Holy shit.
Okay so I was just walking down the street to my neighbors’ house because I walk their dogs because they work late and they don’t want their dogs to be alone for too long. They live in this cul-de-sac and as soon as I got kind of close to where the sidewalk bends to go around in a circle I saw these two dogs sniffing around this bush right where the bend started. At first I though they were somebody’s dogs outside with an invisible fence, but when I got closer I realized they weren’t wearing collars and froze. There was a sheepdog that was about up to my waist and a bigger gray dog that looked like a wolf. The sheepdog saw me and started growling, and then the wolf-like dog saw me and just fucking CHARGED me and the sheepdog just followed. The wolf-like dog lunged and I guess instinct kicked in because I started screaming. I’ve never screamed out of instinct before; I hate being scared, it makes me really shaky and nauseous and I start crying later, which I’m kind of starting to do now. The screaming startled the dog so much that it stopped, but then it started to circle me along with the sheepdog, and both were growling.
I started backing up and accidentally met the wolf-dog’s eyes and it lunged again and I screamed louder and jerked my leg like I was going to kick it and backed up even further. After a certain point they just left me alone and watched me back up further up the street. As soon as I got far enough away I turned and fuckingbooked itback to my house.
My mom drove down there later to figure out where the hell those dogs came from, because I live in the middle of suburbia and even though we’ve gotten foxes in the neighborhood we’ve never had coyotes or wild dogs before. The two dogs belong to these people who deal drugs and lock the dogs up so much that they became feral. One of the guys who lives there who my mother thinks was high decided it would be a good idea to let the dogs out of the house without collars or leashes or supervision.
Now I’m pissed because those dogs were probably just as terrified of me as I was of them, and I’m shaking and I feel like I might puke. God, I hate my neighbors sometimes.
All of the RCs from 02 are leaving, so we had to move everything from the cupboards into the closets...
- Me: Oh hey we have a quesadilla maker that's cool, would have been helpful to know earlier
- Me: Oh look we have a bread maker too that's neat
- Me: So you can microwave eggs in this thing?
- Me: A French textbook? Huh, that's strange
- Me: That is one creepy piggy bank
- Me: Guys, there's a chessboard down here
- Me: A bag full of clothes- OH SPANDEX EW THAT'S NASTY WTF IS SOMEONE LIVING DOWN HERE
- Me: Is that a lamp?
- *We literally just found all this in the cupboards seriously guys wtf
- Person 1: A scientist without curiosity is like a bird who can't fly. What does that make him?
- Person 2: I'm pretty sure it makes him a penguin.
Someone stored Tables of Planetary Phenomena: Second Edition in our silverware drawer.
How does that even happen.